I have sworn away love and companionships so many times, I can no longer remember exactly how many.... Being in love, truly, desperately in love with someone can weaken me. Allow me to be broken. I think I've been broken enough. Considering what I've been through, which many people do not know about (or care to know), I'm constantly surprised at how empathetically I allow myself to forgive, to give second-chances, to love again.
Trusting in people is the most difficult issue I have at this moment. Every kind, supportive, loving statement that has ever been made to me has been broken, or a lie, or inconstant. And, although I realize that change is the nature of life, I find myself perpetually searching for something stable. Something that will never change. I guess, for a long time, I wanted that thing to be love. Loyalty. Friendship. I was silly, and naive, to hope for such things.
And yet, even as I write these words, my heart is swelling with love, endearment, loyalty, and devotion. And I am so afraid. I am afraid of the end, of everything. These moments that we cherish - a kiss, an embrace, a look or a smile - they're beautiful beyond words while they're here.... but they're evil when they're gone. I cannot have everything, I know that. I just don't understand why life must be so unfair in this way....isn't there enough injustice and hatred and violence in this world, without having relationships turn out badly too? There has to be place in this world for me, otherwise I would not be here.
I feel, sometimes, as though I cannot trust anyone. But I so desperately want someone reliable, someone to love, something stable. Can I dare to hope that I've found that? Should I risk the chance that I may end up more damaged than I was before?
You know, it may not have been real to the people I loved in the rave scene. Maybe they never loved me at all, and it was all chemically-induced, or a charade. But it was NEVER that to me. I loved and still do love them all. I know it was real for me. I should be able to take solace in that fact - that the love and loytalty I felt was real. But somehow, it seems cheapened, knowing that it may never have been reciprocated. I am afraid to be hurt. I feel like I can see it coming, like I always do, and I am turning away from the truth to prolong temporary happiness. Maybe I'm not naive, maybe I am something much worse - a liar. To myself, anyway, which is the worst kind.
I've been very emotional lately. It is difficult to keep under control. The smallest, most trivial things cause me to cry, I'm having serious self-esteem issues, and major anxiety attacks. I wish I could make it stop. I try to remain stoic, but it is a strain on me. Always holding in what I feel, what I think, the things I believe to be right or wrong. I'm just....so.....TIRED. My life seems hopeless. I'm desperate to connect, and I fear it at the same time. Some of my defenses are still in position, and I don't know if I want to lower them yet, or if I even could if I wanted to do so.
The plain fact of the matter is that I am so very much in love, and I don't know how to deal with it. I don't know how safe my heart is, and I don't know what can be done to make me feel safe about it. I used to be so different than I am now - giving love freely, openly, with no expectation of reciprocation. I was much easier to hurt back then, and although I still retain that sensitivity, at least I can defend against it now to a certain extent.
I don't want to be just cut off and forgotten someday, like so many others have done to me so easily. It is a terrible blow to my sense of self-worth, and pretty much every other mental faculty I possess.
Eh, I don't know why I'm talking about this. I'm not going to stop being in love until given a very good reason, and even then the wound will take years to truly heal in the event that I end up broken again. I guess I just needed to work these things out in a visible manner.
"Love... shall we deny it when it visits us... shall we not take what we are given."