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Cloud and Aerith

Divorce

It's time to admit to myself the things I already knew were true long ago. I loved Matt, but when I started falling for Jenn and Jay at the same time, shortly after getting engaged, I knew that I wasn't supposed to marry him. Someone who is TRULY happy with what they have rarely has a reason to desire love or fall for someone else. I've been this way all my young life - I fall for someone with all of my heart, all of my being.... and then I lose interest, and I cheat. I am not proud of this, in fact I think myself a monster for doing so. I hate that part of me, the greedy, sadistic, antagonistic Kori that revels in pain and vengence. The only relationship in which I did not sabotage my own happiness was when I was with Sparlin, the first person I ever loved. I was madly in love with him, in that young, immature, inexperienced way, and I was totally committed to him. I think my relationship with him, and how it progressed and finally ended, ruined any future relationships that I might have had. Now, I destroy the things that might make me happy, and I don't know why..... besides the fact that I'd rather be the destroyer than be the one who is destroyed - it hurts less that way. Or, at least that's what I tell myself.

I thought I was prepared for this, I thought I had accepted that the person my husband had been is now dead, and a new, hateful creature has taken his place. Why then do I feel so depressed over the matter? I'm getting divorced at age 26. I was married for only 2 years, and I was with him for a total of 5 years. Disgraceful. I wish I could stop remembering - all these memories are poison. They torment me. I feel totally alone - no one truly understands what I have gone through, what I am currently dealing with. Break ups are different than this - a divorce is concrete evidence that you failed to be what you were supposed to be, and that you are a quitter and a disgrace. I never should have gotten married.

Now I'm falling in love all over again like I promised myself I would never do, and if I let this get to me I could end up destroying a chance at real happiness with someone amazing and beautiful. Like the sun, he warms my being and when I turn my face to him I feel myself light up.... I almost feel like a real person again, not the monster that people and experiences in life have made me. But I am afraid, so terrified that I am too broken and damaged to be with anyone, afraid that I'm going to be manipulated as Ben did to me, or be betrayed and cheated on as Sparlin and Matt did, or that I'll simply become boring and useless, as I was to Matt J. and every other person I've been with. The pain of those hurts is too excruciating to bear - my husband abandoned me, left me here to move thousands of miles away. Am I really that repugnant? All I ever wanted was to be happy - is that so wrong?

I'm trying to teach myself to dissociate when I am deeply angered - my emotions are all-consuming, and they are ruining my life. I am, by nature, extreme, and I'd rather feel very little than feel all of this rage and sadness. I don't know if there will ever be a middle ground for me. I feel as though I can see the whole scope of my life, and all the people and experiences that have shaped who I am..... and it brings me great sadness to see and feel all of that at once. Memories blend together like watercolors, and I can still remember the voices of the people I loved, the sound of laughter and running water and eletronica echoing throughout my old house with Matt..... and sometimes it's all too much.

I suppose I am being selfish right now. Time to take my mind off of my own problems and go out to find something nice for someone I love, and enjoy the happiness I have while it is still here.

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