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Haunted

.....

If there were a God, and he was merciful, he should obliterate me. No one should be allowed to suffer this way.

But, there is no God. There's no nirvana, no heaven, no other planes of existence.... only the Hell to which I've been condemned.

When I was hospitalized due to a temporary psychotic break because I took too much acid, I truly believed with all my being that I was in Hell. Even after I came back to the world of the "sane," I never truly let go of this idea niggling idea in the back of my mind - that I was still in Hell, condemned forever to watch, powerless, as my life was systematically decimated before my very eyes. Temporary moments of happiness allowed me respite from this idea by which I was plagued, but when that happiness was stripped away, I always came back to this idea. Everything I love, stripped away. The shadow of the axe hangs over every joy, every love.

If I was not a coward, I would end it now. But I am, and so I remain. I ruined everything I love, poisoned every person that loved me. And I know, in the end, I will have nothing and no one.

The real Hell is your life gone horribly, terribly, irreversibly wrong.... and you are the constructor of your own misery and demise.

I am in Hell.

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