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Ophelia

Day 2

Negative/Depressive/Anxious Feelings Experienced Today:

- I will always be alone. Now, more than ever, I know no one can be trusted.
- The idea of being around people who are happy repels me. I don't want to contaminate their happiness with my sorrow.
- No one is ever going to hire someone like me. They can see right through me. They can see I'm broken.
- My heart was beating very fast for about an hour today. Meditation did not seem to help the first time.
- I'm not going to be able to move on. I don''t have any hope left.
- I have no purpose, no motivation, no creative imagination left inside me.
- I cannot sleep for longer than 4 hours at a time. I wake up wide awake. This tortures me.
- Everyone who talks to me has an ulterior motive. All they want to do is fuck me. They don't care about who I am.

I didn't do much of anything today. I was in pain for much of the day, but that's just an excuse. I can work when I'm in pain. I'm depressed. I don't care about the pile of clothes in my car, or the clutter in my room. I don't want to talk to my family, they have nothing of worth to say to me, and I have nothing of worth to say to them. I feel guilt and embarrassment, because the only person I want to talk to is the one who forced me out. I miss him, and I feel foolish for it. I hate being alone, but I'd rather be alone than be with people who just don't fucking get it. I'm not prepared or willing to fake happiness for them, and I'm tired of doing it. I've been doing it all my life. It's bullshit, it expends my energy, and I'm done with it.

I smoke too much, I drink too much, I take too much xanax. 1.5 mg no longer affects me. The meditation exercises are helping, gradually, but now instead of anxiety, I feel a deep, aching emptiness. I think I preferred the anger. Progress in my self therapy is not going fast enough for me. At this rate, I'll kill myself before lesson one is over. Pathetic.

I can only think of one other person with whom I want to spend my time, and that is an impossibility. No point even thinking about it.

I ruined my life, and putting it back together seems like too much for me to accomplish. I just want to go comatose for a few years.

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